Vulva Explosion

The top search engine term leading people to my blog in the last few days has consistently been “VULVA”. I like that.

xTx asked my beard to write something about elephants. It wrote a poem. My beard is cool. It’s Kung Fu is the best. My beard has started to lay out its manifesto via a blog located here.

My beard continues to twitter. Follow my beard. Be its supplicant.

I have over 100 submissions out, and yet my inbox is bare. I don’t demand acceptance. I just want to hear back. They only seem to like me in Oslo.

I’m putting myself on the Dean Martin plan. I want to say more, but that would be unfair to Dean.

My new novel is moving along well. I may have mentioned that it is called Tom Waits and Charles Bukowski Fistfight in Hell. That title makes my cock hard.

Tao Lin is charging money to read his blog on the Kindle. My blog remains free.

I can’t remember a day when I didn’t want to commit suicide.

Betty White fucks elephants. I can’t prove it, but I know in my bones that it is true.

I think my wife may be a vampire. She keeps trying to suck me. No blood ever comes out, though. maybe I am confused by what a vampire is.

I have this idea to make 3k a year by writing 22 stories (I write way more than that anyway) but it involves killing a hooker and doing things to the skin. I’d go ahead, but 3k just wont make the nut.

I killed myself yesterday. I used a walrus to bludgeon myself. I like sentences that contain the words ‘I’ and ‘myself’ and often I will write about myself. If that bothers you, then you shouldn’t be bothered by the things that I do. I have several degrees, all centigrade. I write, but mostly just about dead things that I have had sex with. My blood is green. It smells funny.

What was I talking about?


Clockwise cat is taking one of my poems

And – Michael James Martin has something very good up at Ditch Poetry. You should check this one out.



  1. So who do you know in Norway?


    • No one really. A magazine out of Oslo called Gustaf has taken two things of mine recently (one was in issue two and a second will be in issue three) and that was what I was alluding to.


  2. you should name something dolores and then nickname said thing vulva.

    that’d be dope.


    • That’s fucking hilarious!


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